3 to 4 months ago my hands were still soaked in 3 years worth of dark, red blood. now my hands are clean, mostly. at the time it/i was shadows and darkness– too much for my meagre self to handle. now i’m not that person anymore, still meagre, still me, but just not. and i do miss her very much. these days i still find myself in grey areas, along grey stairs in front/under a grey sky, grey music and grey thoughts and it’s comfortable, more so than it was before, more so than the blinding light i try to force myself under. i’m wondering whether these two sides of me can come together because which one is me? i need this sensitivity i can only find in the subtlety and quiet of grey. i do. i recognise myself in both now and then: am i darkness or light? can i be both at the same time?