in front of you

these days i’ve been trying the hardest
than i ever have to turn my darkened
clavicles to the sun and maybe that’s
the reason they’re slowly fading away

and my lips are straining from trying
so hard to keep pulling apart,
i’m tearing the wires inside of me
and hoping they’d stretch far enough
for the light to reach the tip of my tongue
and out onto begging leaves.

but these days the distance between
the machine in my chest
and my throat is an unstoppable growth
i cannot cease.

this is me trying my best to be happy
maybe that’s the reason i’ve been
closing my eyes when i smile, so maybe
i wouldn’t have to see the lack of light
dimly reflect on what i’m trying
to be happy at, because maybe i’m
trying to make myself feel happy
before the imminent thoughts come rushing in

but trying is getting so tiring
and the sun is burning my skin.

because my eyes are hurting from seeping tears back in
because my cheeks are unwilling to move against their will
because my spine is too weak to continue supporting my weight
because my knees are blistered from crawling on the hot ground
because i’m making too many excuses for myself.

but i’m going to keep letting myself burn
till i’m on fire myself

because four lifetimes ago
i existed as a black hole
in this one
i want to be a warming light

_________________

also, I CAN’T WRITE ANYMORE EVERYTHING JUST COMES OUT BAD

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